Frenemies: Beware Your Fake Friends

Beware the Friendly Blade: Why We Must Take “Frenemies” Seriously

There’s a peculiar kind of cruelty in false friendship. The kind that comes wrapped in smiles, applause, and subtle sabotage. The kind that comforts you with one hand while twisting the knife with the other. These are not strangers or open adversaries. These are the frenemies—those who disguise envy as concern, who stand beside you not to lift you up but to keep you within reach. Robert Greene, in The 48 Laws of Power, puts it starkly: “Be wary of friends—they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy.” This isn’t just cold strategy; it’s a recognition of something dark and deeply human. Not everyone who calls themselves your friend actually wants you to succeed.

And that’s not paranoia. That’s discernment.

Why Do People Become Frenemies?

To understand the frenemy, we must look beneath the surface. Often, these individuals aren’t malicious in the cartoon-villain sense. Instead, they’re caught in a quiet storm of comparison, insecurity, and unresolved envy.

Psychologically, frenemies emerge when someone feels close enough to you to compare—but not secure enough in themselves to celebrate your success. Your growth, confidence, or happiness becomes a mirror to their own dissatisfaction. Rather than confront that discomfort honestly, they remain close… and quietly compete.

There’s often a subtle power game at play: offering support but withholding true encouragement, sharing in your struggle but not your joy, framing your achievements as flukes or your ambitions as arrogance. They keep the friendship going just enough to preserve access—and control.

As Greene notes, “Nothing is more intoxicating than having someone who needs you, but does not surpass you.”

How to Spot a Frenemy

Frenemies are not always easy to identify. In fact, they thrive on ambiguity. But if you’re paying attention, certain patterns begin to reveal themselves:

• Backhanded compliments – “You’re so brave to wear that” or “I wish I had the time to chase dreams like you do.”

• One-upmanship – They’re always subtly repositioning the conversation to regain the upper hand, especially if you’re doing well.

• False humility – They present as open-minded or deferential, but you sense an underlying arrogance (more on this below).

• Inconsistent loyalty – When you're down, they hover; when you're up, they distance or grow cold.

• Emotional manipulation – You feel guilty for setting boundaries, or constantly second-guess your intuition around them.

Trust your body here: Do you leave their presence feeling drained, small, or confused? Does your inner confidence subtly shrink in their company? That’s often a sign your nervous system is picking up what your rational mind is trying to explain away.

The Pretence of Humility: When “Learning” Is a Power Play

One of the most disorienting traits of a frenemy is the mask of humility. They come in saying they’re here to learn, to grow, to “just ask questions.” They praise your work, your insight, your vision—but if you listen closely, something doesn’t sit right.

Because it’s not real humility. It’s a performance.

This type of frenemy positions themselves as the humble learner, yet carries a quiet arrogance beneath the surface. They ask questions not to understand, but to challenge you indirectly. They present as open-minded, but only to subtly correct or undermine. Their curiosity is strategic, not sincere.

It’s not that they want to learn from you—they want to study you. To figure out how you got where you are, so they can imitate, compete, or invalidate it.

Real humility is open. Grounded. It’s willing to be changed. But the frenemy’s version is conditional: it flatters you just enough to gain access, then slowly reasserts control by questioning your authority, seeding doubt, or re-centering the narrative around themselves.

In this way, false humility becomes a power play—because it disarms you, lowers your guard, and opens the door for subtle sabotage.

So pay attention. Don’t confuse softness for sincerity. Some people bow their heads only to hide the dagger in their hands.

Why Frenemies Are So Dangerous

Some enemies you can guard against. Their opposition is clear. But frenemies blur the line between support and sabotage, between friend and foe. That’s what makes them so dangerous: their attack is psychological.

They gaslight your instincts, sow doubt in your capabilities, and chip away at your self-trust. Over time, they may influence your decisions, steer you off course, or make you feel that ambition is arrogance, or that your authenticity is somehow “too much.”

And because they come cloaked in familiarity—sometimes even in love—we allow them closer than we should. In the name of loyalty, we silence our discomfort. In the name of empathy, we rationalize their behavior.

But false loyalty to someone who harms you is not a virtue. It’s self-abandonment.

Letting Them Go Is Not Cruelty. It’s Clarity.

You are not obligated to keep someone in your life simply because you have history. You are allowed to outgrow relationships that no longer align with your values. You are allowed to choose peace over tension, honesty over manipulation, truth over appearances.

Setting boundaries with a frenemy is not about drama or revenge. It’s about self-respect. You do not owe anyone unlimited access to your life, especially if that access is used to control, compete, or critique.

Sometimes the most powerful form of love is distance. Not every bond must be preserved. Some must be pruned for both parties to grow.

Final Reflections: Power, Trust, and Inner Authority

Greene’s warnings are not about becoming paranoid—they’re about becoming aware. Not everyone around you is rooting for you. And that’s okay. You don’t need universal approval to live a meaningful, self-directed life.

But you do need inner authority—the ability to trust yourself, even when others are subtly undermining that trust.

Ask yourself: Who in your life makes you feel more like yourself—and who makes you feel like a version of yourself that they prefer? The answer may be uncomfortable, but it is always clarifying.

In the end, your power doesn’t come from domination or defensiveness—it comes from discernment. And from the quiet courage to walk away from those who don’t actually walk with you.